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Having It All

by Annabel

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1.
everyday another day like the other nothing really out of the ordinary taking advantage of certain situations but only when they're part of my normal routine i'm making plans and setting appointments marking all the dates down in my calendar i'm keeping busy and staying active hopefully everyone will be proud of me people that i know are used for reference examples that i can try to follow reminders of what's in my best interest things i can try out for myself a sense of purpose or a sense of humor? whatever's most convenient at the time putting myself into the best position if i can just get the proper help i just want everyday to better than the one before from now on everyday another day like the other nothing really out of the ordinary
2.
yeah, i've got hesitations and mixed feelings about pretty much everything unfortunately i've always got somewhere else i'd rather be even when i don't think about consciously i'll never doubt it but i'll never know if i'm really one of the fortunate ones i'll never doubt it but i can't be sure if i have been in the right place all along i don't mean to take for granted my opportunities but there's always multiple ways to look at anything i'll never doubt it whatever happens, happens i'll never doubt it unless something drastic changes i'll never doubt it i'll never doubt it but i'll never know if i'm really one of the fortunate ones i'll never doubt it but i can't be sure if i have been in the right place all along i'll never doubt it but i'll never know if our house will ever feel like our home i'll never doubt it but now i know there's not much i could about it anyhow i'll never doubt it
3.
If Only 02:54
we could plan more than a few years at a time if only we knew it would be more worth out while living within our imaginary lines and always changing our minds you're feelings are not always the same as mine so i guess i really shouldn't be surprised when something eventually turns out otherwise but i won't know why i don't know, i don't know what i deserver and what i still owe i still need you're approval all i can afford is all you can offer not that it matters much anymore sooner or later you'll be on my side but i know we have some self-imposed deadlines
4.
there's not that many spaces in between doing much that's not considered daily activities we could be more wise using our vacation time it's always fun while it lasts but there's not always a next time i am running behind schedule late in every instance or sometimes not there at all because of other commitments i missed my graduation and a few reunions and that one anniversary i miss everything
5.
all my memories are hanging in frames on the wall not much else i have to show for what i've done i just wanted the acceptance of my peers and not to feel like i've wasted all these years i don't want to die before reaching my goals and becoming more well-rounded nothing unreasonable but it never was about us having it all it might not be what i want but it's more than what i've earned getting compliments and rewards just for trying maybe my standards are high for what i get out of life i guess i should keep more of an open mind i don't want to die without reaching certain goals and becoming more well-rounded nothing unreasonable but it never was about us having it all i don't want to die without reaching a few goals exhausting every option and choosing the best one but it never was about us having it all having it all
6.
well, i've always had quite an imagination inventing alternate scenarios before they happen upcoming events play out in detail in my head they all seem so easy to replicate in real-life and my predictions have always produced mixed-results second-guessing often comes with the territory oh well now I know my life is not my own oh well now I know there’s not much left in my control as the saying goes you only get what you give but from own my experiences that's just an expression oh well now I know my life is not my own oh well now I know there’s not much left in my control
7.
Everything 03:29
sentimental for everything even the moments still happening places to be people to see in my memory I’ve been trying to compare things not even related finding similarities between things not really there but not everything should need to have any meaning it’s more of a general feeling than anything really that concrete and if there is any common theme it’s that most things never come easily I’ve been trying to compare things not even related finding similarities between things not really there but not everything should need to have any meaning not everything needs to have a meaning but i'll still find some as I go along
8.
Ex-Introvert 03:34
i've been rehearsing all night my best impression of myself but it needs more work i've realized that i am just a collection of thoughts and feelings set in motion and animated with certain tendencies to communicate i see some patterns in my behavior i could probably fake it if i wanted to i might discover a new side of me think I might be starting to be who i've always hoped to be self-aware to an extent my inner monologue speaks for itself “oh you're just so introspective and quiet” that might be debatable i guess i'm hard to get to know i don't want anyone to think I’m not concerned about others in return i might discover a new side of me think I might be starting to be who i've always hoped to be i might discover a new side of me i just wish it would come a little bit more easily i might discover a new side of me just by doing things that i probably wouldn't usually i might discover a new side of me even if I don’t really feel any differently
9.
i made up my mind yesterday to start living a certain way i'll exercise I’ll meditate I’ll have more things to celebrate it’s always easy to downplay what I can’t coordinate I could blame it on how I was raised but i know that's just not the case
10.
every year will seem more important than the one before I understand your concern but sometimes they are out of order now that we’re all that’s left there’s only each other to impress but most things are said better when in person I know what we ought to become in the long run it's not supposed to be simple, easy or straight-forward but i know you'll figure out whatever i sing about you are mainly concerned with years, decades, and centuries I’m just trying to get through mornings and afternoons I know what we ought to become in the long run the same as what everyone else wants we could live anywhere as long as my name will still stay in the family there’s still so much to prepare for i'll start making progress when i have a reason and when I’m done being myself i want to believe that I’ll still have a purpose i want to believe it i want to believe it i want you to believe it
11.
i wish that love was all that i wanted but we all seem to have our distractions i already have most things that i could need but that doesn't mean they will be easy to keep I'm so lucky to still have my health i've got so many friends and good contacts i was thinking of everyone i was thinking of everyone but i guess every now and then i should be thinking more of just you i don't always stay 24 hours in the same state i don't mind being in an unfamiliar place on consecutive days part of me knows that (i'll do my best to explain) i can't have it both ways (and that will never change) "having it all" is such an empty phrase because nothing can fill every space i'm not able to always be here I’m not able to make it easier i'm not able

about

TE142

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released June 9, 2015

produced by Evan Weiss
recorded and mixed by Matt Jordan
co-recorded with Matthew Frank
mastered by Doug Van Sloun
art & design by Andy Hendricks

recorded June 2014 at Atlas Studios and Emaciated Raiden Studios in Chicago, IL

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Annabel Akron, Ohio

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